I was recently at a conference in Myrtle Beach, enjoying the heavy hors d’oeuvres at the reception, and using my pork sliders to gain some insight into the life and work of the 400 some odd school board members in attendance. One of my speaker tricks is to try to go fishing for some good anecdotes or connections leading up to my talk. It provides a better understanding of my audience, people love hearing a personal connection or shout-out from the stage, and it always helps me to feel like I have a new friend or two in the crowd. So I was fishing… 

 

Asking the usual questions: What made you want to do it? What’s the toughest part? And, how do you fill back up – or keep going - when you’re exhausted and demoralized?

 

Joe from Abbeville County told me he did it for the kids and to give back to his community but that community backlash or strong personalities made it tough. He also said that when he needs to recharge, he just… helps people?!

 

“Wait a minute, so when you need to feel better, you… help others!? Good for you. I mean, I just go hiking.”

Joe laughed, “I’m no hiker,” he said. “I don’t wanna see any snakes or bears. But if I have time on a Saturday and I’m not working or nothing, I ask myself, ‘Who do I know that needs help?’ And then I go help them. Fix a car. Volunteer at church. For me, that’s my fun.”

 

A half hour later I was talking to Debra from Newberry County who’d taught for 40 years - and loved it. 

 

“You really loved it?”

“Yes, I loved it!”

“Well that’s good. My husband taught for 7 years and he sure didn’t love it.”

“Oh, I loved every day. The only reason I stopped was I needed to take care of my husband when he had to go on dialysis. I took care of him for three and half years. Couldn’t teach. Couldn’t travel. But I kept him alive and I made it so he could stay at home. When he passed, I decided it was time to join the school board.” 

“So when you’re not doing school board stuff… what do you do for fun?”

“I take care of my grandbabies. And I help my students when they get married.”

“How do you help them when they get married?”

“I do all the flower arranging and sometimes bake a wedding cake or make food for the reception. Some of them offer to pay, but I tell them, ‘No, no, I want to do it.’ I love seeing them get married and being a part of it.”

 

It was a small sample size, but I’m pretty sure that school board members are better than the rest of us. I have been to many conferences over the years and have never heard someone say they help people for fun, let alone had it repeated.

 

Typically, when I ask conference attendees what fills them up, it’s an adventure trip, time outdoors, a massage, a weekend with friends, connecting with family or friends, exercise, travel, road trips, sports, yoga, wine, an ice cold beer, walking the dog, or meditation. More and more, I hear people say, “I don’t know,” “I don’t have time to recharge,” or “I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I had down time.”

 

The latter statements are to blame for the fact that when I hop on my peloton, I get congratulated for “showing up for myself.” And, yes, I know it’s “off-brand” for a nature loving hiker to be a peloton fanatic. And the reasons behind that involve an orthopedic and beckon their own blog. But I… love my peloton. Just not when it praises me for showing up by myself to an exercise class at home. 

 

It’s not that I disagree that exercise is healthy and life giving for ourselves, our work, and our family. But the exercise platform’s effusive praise smacks of modernity. It is SO 2025.

 

I am being congratulated for stepping away from my computer in my home office to sit behind a different, larger screen on a bike that doesn’t go anywhere. I just want to put on my ridiculous padded bike shorts, clip on my shoes and get some exercise without being reminded of how self-indulgent this solo indoor exercise on a $500 used bike with a $47 monthly subscription already is.

 

This past weekend, we visited our family friend Cindy leading up to her 69th birthday. Cindy is also a career educator, and although she never served on school board, she is a consummate giver.

 

And ever since the school board conference, I’ve been wrestling with this tension of wanting to help people more, wanting to be a more natural giver, while also accepting that I have full work weeks, lots of work travel, two young children, and a spouse who is both helpful and has needs, added to the knowledge that I am an introvert who recharges by hiking alone - or riding a peloton.

 

I tried to get Cindy to share her secret with me, hoping I could learn from her and sprinkle a little more unselfishness throughout my schedule and into my personality. But with Cindy it’s not a topping; it’s baked in.

 

“I’ve always been that way,” she said. 

Then she recounted stories of growing up in West Virginia without a lot of money and wanting to share the coloring book and crayons she got for her birthday with her neighbors and not being mad when her sister ate the single piece of candy that Cindy received for Easter. 

These days it manifests itself when her sweet husband, who is navigating Alzheimer’s, asks her the same question 50 times and she responds to each inquiry as if it’s the first time he asked. 

 

I’m still very much feeling the tug-o-war of wanting to take care of self with the desire to take better care of others. I’m mid-journey, already with several wrong turns, and I’m still very much trying to work through it. 

 

People like Cindy help me along. And I feel strongly that we all have thoughts and experiences to share that should be considered. So feel free to add yours in the comment section below. Meanwhile, here are a few of my thoughts, questions, and reflections so far:

 

  • There are people out there who are just better. I don’t say that in a competitive or defeatist way at all. I say that so you can keep your antennae up because if you are lucky enough to find someone like a Cindy or a Debra or a Joe, you should do whatever you can to learn from them and pollinate their goodness into the rest of the world. When we have better people in our lives, we become better people. And if you are looking for that type or person and don’t know where to turn, maybe start with career public school educators.
  • Okay,  you may say, let’s take a step back… Is it really all that bad to just focus on caring for you and yours? I think about Scotch-Irish Farmers of the 1800s in the Southern Appalachian Mountains and imagine that they spent most of their time tending to their land and their families. I imagine that most of these settlers were more interconnected than the modern ideas we have attached to them. But I also wonder if helping our communities and being civically minded is more of a modern ideal, ancient discipline, or an intersection of both. I question how much of my desire to help others is interwoven into a woman's caregiving DNA and if the feeling of falling short is due to the increased opportunities and responsibilities (read, busyness) of today. A lot of us are winning the bread, baking the bread, and being asked to deliver more bread for a meal train. So... much... bread!! (What is the life version of Keto?!)
  • Also, are we apathetic about or detached from the needs around us because we are overwhelmed by them all the time? There are wars in Ukraine, Israel and Palestine; panhandlers on seemingly every street corner in downtown Asheville. There’s a woman down the street from us with stage 4 cancer. Two business partners with new babies. Adoptive and foster parents in our small group; a mom at church who’s a single parent with a special needs child and three other children to take care of. There's a friend caring for a victim of domestic assault; another trying to make ends meet and falling short; one who is working too hard. Another that’s depressed. The PTO needs money. The teachers who deserve baked goods and flowers and tens of thousands of additional dollars in income. Not to mention people all around WNC still have holes in their roofs, mold in their crawlspace and debris in their yard- and a bank account and social network that’s smaller than it was last fall. <- I did not make any of this up. And, I also know it’s not unique and serves as a big reason why I want to tell my peloton instructor off every time I get congratulated for hopping on my bike. But seriously, how can I make a dent, when everyone around me needs help and I’m not getting through my own “to do” list at home?
  • I don’t know and I don’t have all the answers. But I do know it’s not healthy to be completely siloed in your personal pursuits. A lot of us (hand raised!) live in our own ego-chambers where there is a positive correlation between stress and selfishness. The more stress we feel at work, the more time we need to recover, and the less time we have for other people. The more selfish we are in what we want to collect- be it possessions or success or accolades- the more stressed we become trying to achieve those goals. And when our schedule becomes a self-serving triangle of personal work, responsibilities and self-care, we lose perspective. 
  • Yes, you need to exercise and take care of your needs- mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual. A healthier, happier, better you is a benefit to everyone around you. We shouldn’t feel bad about that. But I do think we should ask ourselves if it is balanced - or are we so siloed and congratulatory in our self-care that we are not using any of our time or resources to care for others?? If you are going to prioritize showing up for yourself, consider how you can also be intentional about showing up for others. Maybe starting each week by asking, “how can I be a good neighbor?” “Is there one person I can help or encourage this week?” Instead of being overwhelmed by the need, be proactive in planning ways and scheduling time to help others. And do it in a style that feels sustainable. Every time you get congratulated for showing up for yourself, ask yourself, “how can I also show up for others?”
  • Service can come in seasons. Some of us are able to serve in large doses because we have more available time; others serve through the work of their daily jobs; some of us give back by cycling on and off of boards. This might not be your season to give in a big way. And that’s okay! Do the small things that you can to stay healthy so that when your season changes, you are physically, mentally and emotionally ready to give more. 

Ultimately showing up for others is showing up for ourselves. We are healthier and happier individuals when we look beyond our personal bubbles and make time to care and consider the needs of those around us. It’s the hiker in me, but I always think of a forest. You can be the healthiest, strongest, tallest tree. But if you lose the moisture barrier of ground cover and the interwoven root system of neighboring trees- if you don’t have the birds and squirrels to help you disperse your seeds, then you will be more likely to fall, get struck by lightning, or die alone as the last tree standing. 

 

The trick is to take care of your needs and the needs of others. To create symbiotic relationships in which everyone benefits. I want to reiterate again that I do not have all the answers and don’t pretend to be an expert. I am guilty of going too far in both directions; being too self-involved too often and also overdoing it in a way that negatively impacts my work, health and family. 

 

After I give my favorite peloton instructor a side eye for asking me to clap for myself in an empty room, the next step is usually to adjust the tension on the bike. You want to be able to feel the weight and resistance underneath you. If you are spinning too fast, it’s too easy. And, if you are straining to push the pedals, you won’t last long. But if you set the tension in a place that feels sticky and helps build strength and endurance, then you’re where you need to be.

 

When it comes to caring for yourself and others, finding the right balance depends on the person, and the situation, and the needs, and the capacity, and the season of life. It is a tension to be managed. (Hopefully, in a way that increases strength and endurance over time.) And, so... I keep pedaling, constantly adjusting my output, trying to find what feels right. And soaking up everything I can from folks like Cindy, and Joe, and Debra so that I can pollinate some of their effusive goodness along the way. 

 

About the Author: Jennifer is an Adventurer, Author, Speaker, Entrepreneur and mom of two who has a Masters in Public Affairs and a husband that plays bluegrass. Her blog focuses on life as she experiences it with a focus on Outdoor Adventure, Business, Public Affairs, Family, and Faith. For information on booking Jennifer as a speaker for your next event, email brew@jenniferpharrdavis.com or call (615) 708-4301.